A Stick of Butter

 On Easter morning I pulled a stick of butter from the refrigerator, peeled off the paper wrapping and placed the one by three inch rectangle onto my china butter plate.  I grew up eating margarine.  Oleo we called it back in the ‘50’s.  “Connie, put the bread and oleo on the table, please,” my mother would call from our turquoise kitchen.  And so began my life with plastic tubs of margarine.
There were changes over the years of course: brands, colors, textures, the size and shape of the container.  I used Fleischmann’s for many years.  When I look back, I wonder now if it was simply a monetary decision on my mother’s part.  Just after WWII, perhaps butter was rationed.  I never questioned it.  I remember going to my Granny’s house in Louisiana and being a pain in the behind.  Granny had cows on the farm so of course she had fresh milk and cream daily, and she made the butter in the old wooden butter churn. No sticks in those days. 
Growing up on Oleo, the butter just didn’t taste “right” to me as a child.  So as my granny shook her head and mumbled under her breath, my daddy would obey my mother and head into town to the grocer.  Every summer visit became a test of wills. Granny and Mother, Mother and Daddy, and me the root cause.
I began using butter to bake when I had my own family and lived in Minnesota. But for daily use, it was expensive and as far as I was concerned, chemicals simply tasted so much better.  Did you ever notice when you first open the container, how perfectly shaped margarine is – just the slightest tiny curl in the very center.  I almost hated to ruin its perfection when I first took my knife to the tub.
It’s funny how we become accustomed to so many things from childhood.  We attach and hang on and fight any change.  If my parents did it, it had to be right, normal, better, the best.  Even when I learned that all those flavors and textures came from artificial ingredients, margarine stayed in my refrigerator.  For forty years, in fact.
But this year once that stick of butter came out, it stayed on the plate. Partially because we used two tablespoons at most that day, but partially as a symbol of change.  It is healthier, even with cholesterol being a concern for Americans. It is natural (as far as I know). And perhaps it is a symbol of letting go of the past. A much bigger topic for another time.
So—butter or margarine?  Miracle Whip or Mayo?  Brown mustard or yellow? Sugar or saccharine?  What’s in your kitchen and do you remember why it is there?

Published

I was very fortunate to recently be published in The Gila River Review.  My short story They’re Just Kids was published in the spring issue of the journal.  Last fall my nonfiction piece Up the Road Apiece was also chosen for publication.  This is an excellent on-line literary journal filled with great poets, authors and artists.  I hope you will check it out at the the following link.  Gila River Review

               Paper Dolls
I played with paper dolls as a child
Betsy McCall, Grace Kelley, Cyd Charisse
I put their clothes on with tabs
I pasted them onto cardboard to give them substance
I imagined lives for them
Words, scenes, actions, outcomes.
Not too unlike what I’m doing today
Only the paper dolls
Are in my head, not my hands
I create them from scratch
Faces, bodies, personalities
Words, scenes, actions, outcomes.
Perhaps I’ve come upon a grand solution
To flesh them out and make them live
Paper dolls of my own creation
My characters made real on paper
Drawn out, cut with scissors
Dressed with tabs, acted out in scene.

            Writing
Writing is such hard work I tell them
Friends don’t often understand
Other artists “get it” for they live it
They know the difficult process of creating.
I liken it to baking for some friends
You want to bake a chocolate cake
But find in the pantry no sugar or flour
In the fridge no butter and no eggs.
For my friends who sew or knit or cross stitch
I tell them to get out their yarn
Then tell them their needles are missing
Or their fabric background or their pattern gone.
For friends who do neither but work at outside jobs
I tell them to get up in the morning
And find their closet empty, their make-up gone
Every pair of hose has runs; the car is out of gas.
That’s how I feel each morning
Facing a blank blue computer screen
Or my empty lined notebook pages
And a brain null and void of any original thought.
Or I walk into the bathroom that needs cleaning
The messy kitchen countertop and sink
The news on CNN is too disturbing
The buzzer on the dryer screeching to be emptied.

Happy Easter!

                  Notre Dame
I felt God wrap me in layers of peace
His presence clung to my soul.
Tears of what? –  joy, sadness, love –
Clung to wet lashes, refusing to fall.
The Gothic arched nave, inches from heaven
Called me to its heights of marble glory.
The stories are told in stained glass windows
Their beauty unmatched on earth.
Rose windows absorb the light
Stone floors worn smooth by thousands.
Wood pews gleam with the oil of centuries
Faint incense fills my senses.
Mary holds Jesus in the pieta.
A marble scene carved over the ages.
A mother’s grief and anguish
A son’s death for each of us.
The immensity of the cathedral
Is far from stark or cold
For God fills the air with warmth.
And the hushed silence of the visitors
Allows me to be alone
In the healing of spirit
In the quiet of music
In the air fraught with substance.
God makes Himself fully known.
The beauty of Notre Dame
Stands starkly against blue skies.
Daring us to disbelieve.
Asking us to simply trust.
I stand in awe and quiet
I feel a presence clearly
I ask for faith and release.

Joy

 We expect to feel happy when we’re standing in Paris or watching ocean waves crash in Hawaii or Florida. We expect to feel happy at our daughter’s $20,000.00 wedding. We know we’ll be happy at the birth of babies and grandbabies or when someone we love gives us a surprise gift. The giddiness rises inside, our smile turns on and we glow. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Joy. Such a simple word. It can come so unexpectedly. Sometimes it is the smallest gesture, a smile from a stranger, a neighbor bringing our trash container up from the street for us, the grocery clerk saying ‘I love your purse’. That little glimmer surfaces and it takes us by surprise.
Lately my small joys have included daily conversations with a dear friend who is undergoing surgeries and chemo and stuff no one deserves to face. Hearing her voice on the other end of that cell phone, knowing she’s still here and will be here, God willing, and that we will go to the next play at Gammage or that trip we planned for next winter. Just hearing her pick up, my heart leaps. It’s just a phone call but it is also Hope. A gladness that we met, that we’ve supported each other, that we have laughed and cried together. Her voice brings me Joy.
Today I found tickets to the play Billy Elliot. I wanted to see it in London but we just ran out of time. I don’t know if either of my children really wants to see it, but I texted them this morning anyway. The joy I felt when they said they would love to spend my $350.00 was the best!
All three of us– in a row– together- -watching a wonderful theater production just as we did when they were ten and five. That is priceless. (They did actually ask the price and said they’d pay.)  It doesn’t matter. If they don’t, it’s fine. The fact that at age sixty-five I have the opportunity to sit with my two children for an evening of laughter and fun is a simple, remarkable Joy.

Spring in AZ

As you know I recently returned from the lovely green, hilly garden-filled cities of London and Paris. It was hard for me to land in the desert of what I call Phoenix’s moonscape. We have approximately two days of spring in AZ anymore.

We move from 95 to 40 each year on Nov. 1, one day after the little trick-or-treaters have sweated out their costumes and moms and dads have fainted at the curb waiting for them to fill their plastic pumpkins. Then in March we somehow move from down filled blankets to 95 overnight as we’ve done this week. 

I have no idea where 75 and 80 went on the temperature gauges here, but they disappeared some time ago. Now for those of you who love it here, I’m sure I’ll get a clipping or two from the Republic with 78 degrees highlighted, and that’s ok. I’m still not believing it happened on my back patio.

So, today, it will be 95, record high.  I’ve heard record lows for months now, especially when the heat went out in my house in late November. So this phrase has ceased amazing me. Record anything makes me gag.

But a friend of mine posted her blog about Thankfulness, a list I too have been making for a few years now since studying Pema Chodron, a famale buddhist author I’ve added to my Bible and Book of Devotions.  For I believe it completely. We create our moods with our thoughts, not the other way around.

Today I’m going to call one of my best friends who recently had a double mastectomy and I’m going to take her to look at wildflowers in the Superstition foothills.  I’ve chosen to concentrate on her beautiful face among those delicate purple and yellow blooms, and I am going to sit in thankfulness on a blanket with her and ignore the temperature and let the spirit of thankfulness fill my soul! 

Back to the real world

Sixty six hours since we touched down at Sky Harbor on our return to the states.  Sixty six hours and I finally feel capable of doing something other than sitting around and napping with periodic bursts of energy to do laundry, buy food and go through the junk mail.  I even tackled the ton of cat hair the cat had so kindly shed the past twelve days.
Yesterday I read my travel journal and Googled the places my son and I just visited in London and Paris.  I watched a video of Paris at night and longed for my room which looked straight down on the Seine, Tour Eiffel and the Arch de Triomphe, all glowing in soft gold that lit up the city.  Each hour between 9 pm and 1am the tower begins a spectacular light display like thousands of July 4th sparklers going off at once.
I watched the video and ached to be there again – just one more week I had told my son over dinner our last night. No, make that a year I corrected. A year’s a long time, he told me, how about three months?  A great compromise. I nodded. But here I sat on Sunday in Gilbert, Arizona, USA. waking from a dream into reality, as we do each and every morning.
I’ve been to Italy three times, and London was fabulous this trip. Kensington Gardens and Nottinghill were steps from our hotel. Trafalgar Square, Harrods, Westminster Abbey, Hampton Court, Sir Albert’s memorial –we saw them all. I even enjoyed revisiting my knowledge of British History – entranced by stark yet opulent castles and fortresses. I watched as Big Ben chimed loudly in the square, watched as the strange looking London Eye moved hundreds of people toward the heavens. I visited Hatchard’s, the oldest book store in London opened in 1797 and bought a small gold-leaf edged copy of “Romeo and Juliet” for good old Will.
But Paris stole my heart. I wasn’t expecting that. Sure, I’ve watched the romantic scenes on some of its loveliest ponts (bridges). I’d seen the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and Notre Dame as recently as “The da Vinci Code”. But I had not experienced the magic of night-time in Paris.
You feel so small in Paris, so inconsequential which perhaps is part of its charm. Its history hits you in the face without having to search for it.  It is immense, opulent, a blend of Gothic and Renaissance.You feel King Henry’s presence in Versailles.The gardens are luscious and beautiful; each room over- powers the next with velvet, silk, and gold leaf. The amount of marble hauled to the site during construction had to have taken more than a few lives. Inside you can feel the ghosts and hear the crowds of the Revolution outside its doors; you sense a spirit on every staircase.
Notre Dame was the same. People hush as they enter the cathedral and the quiet follows you into the nave and down the narrow single aisle leading to the Rose Window and at the far end, beyond the choir stations, the marble Pieta cries to be seen. I didn’t ask anyone if they were Catholic, Christian or even religious, but I can’t imagine anyone not feeling the presence of God, an intense presence of something far greater. My son and I later sat across the street and ate Nutella- filled crepes with strong coffee and I sat in awe of it all. Not just the history, the religion, the artists, philosophers and authors who have lived there over the centuries, but the fact that I was there at all. As a small girl in Enid, OK we had a visiting parent once every two weeks who gave each of us a small 1 ½ by 2 inch card with a copy of a famous painting or sculpture as she taught us about the artist and the piece.
As I stood in front of the Mona Lisa I felt moved but it was later, around the corner in front of Renoir and later, Ver Meer that it struck me! Fifty some years later that tiny little girl from a blue collar family in OK was standing with her 33 year old son looking at the original!  It was a humbling experience that brought great gratitude and thankfulness. How very blessed and fortunate I have been.
It won’t last. I’ll go back to my complaining as soon as the first 100 degree day hits in a few weeks. I’ll start cursing on the freeway as it comes to a sudden crawl at 4:00pm. 
But today, I’ll feel it for as long as I can, and I go back to Notre Dame in my mind and I pray a prayer of Thanksgiving. And I sit here over coffee and let the feeling of peace and calm nestle inside me one more day.

Sunrise

I watched the sun rise this morning. The usual blue sky over Phoenix has a light cover of cloud creating a smoky magenta and peach canvas off to the east. For the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with what we humans call life – some good, some unfortunately sad or bittersweet.
And while it’s true that we can’t feel the joy without pain, can’t feel happy without sad, these are times when I wish that were different. I wanted to ask God, why? Why can’t we just feel joy and happiness and all the other wonderful positive feelings He has given us all the time?  I suppose His answer would be that those times would then pale and dull into a flat, even sameness we wouldn’t recognize or appreciate.
 I find myself on my knees a lot these days. Asking that these times be brief, asking that these times please end, asking God to carry me through to the other side. I don’t ask why because I don’t expect an answer. There may not be a why; this may not be part of a plan except that we recognize our physical limitations, our human foibles, our inability to make wise choices for ourselves.
So as I watch this rare spectacular sunrise I sit quietly and simply let it envelope me. I feel some small sense of peace, and hope that these few moments carry me through the rest of the day. And I allow the tears we’ve been given to fall silently releasing my anger and sadness to give room for the happy miracles ahead.

Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day a week away, I decided to drag out a piece I wrote last year.  It’s a tongue- in -cheek personal essay; however I did google and there are, believe it or not, several sites with anti-Valentine’s Day cards. Well, there goes my chance to make a million bucks.  Always too late with these wonderful ideas!

A Letter to Hallmark
I just spent an hour card shopping for Valentines.  The card manufacturers need to get with the times.  Take my mailing list for example:
My 36 year old daughter is not only single, never been married.  She’s not even dating.  She just bought her own 2700 sq. ft. home, drives an Infinity, still listens to classic punk and has a half dozen or so tattoos.  She tells me I’m archaic because I still occasionally fall into believing in romance, love at first sight, and happily ever after.
My son is 31.   Single, not dating, and as far as I know, not hooking up.  Lives in his own home with backyard swimming pool; now considered a 1 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 office home.  Give him his 60” television and a remote and he’s good to go.  Last year he traveled to England, France, Italy and Israel.  He too tells me I’m beyond hope when I mention grandchildren or even step-grandchildren.
Then there are my three best friends.  Single, professional, busy, exhausted women; selling the empty nest homes, downsizing, and too tired to date.  They are still willing to see a chick flick movie occasionally but all three will tell you there may be other fish in the sea, but most of them are either whales or sharks. 
My sister.  This one should be easy.  Married, stay at home mom. Lives in small town America.  Nine years younger than me but still considered an “older woman”; she was raised on Disney fairy tales, Gidget, and the Brady Bunch . She e mails me daily about her husband of thirty years.  “Hit man?  Boat accident?  Poison? Which one will get me less jail time?   Romance, cupid, love.  I don’t think so.
The man I’ve been involved with for six years?  Looks at the unopened envelope on any occasion- birthday, Christmas, Halloween – and asks,” Is this mushy?”  He likes all kinds of music – country, pop, 60’s, 70’, 80’s – until he hears the word love in the lyrics and the radio is tuned to another channel in two seconds flat.  His idea of romance is trimming the backyard trees or having sex.  He believes in Tina Turner’s viewpoint – What’s Love Got to Do With It? 
I happen to like Valentine’s Day and I’d love to get a mushy valentine, a box of chocolates and a few dozen roses.  I remember in grade school making a large three-dimensional heart shaped envelope out of construction paper, decorating it with cut-outs of white paper doilies, waiting anxiously as every one in our class placed their carefully chosen card inside.  Once in awhile, if the person really liked me, I’d find a candy message heart saying “You’re Cute”.   No one was left out.  Everyone was remembered. On that one day each year every ten year old in the class liked each other.  And now?