I stepped gingerly onto the scale at the doctor’s office this morning. I’d been avoiding the one at home for weeks. Every day my jeans fit a bit tighter but I hadn’t outgrown the size 4 I’d worked so hard to wear. It’s close to two years now and I find that sooo hard to believe. I’d grown out of my 10 petites and was creeping on up, one pound after another, when I made the realization I couldn’t do it alone. I had no will power, as I have none now.

So I went to a weight loss clinic, signed up for weekly meetings and bought my $120.00 per week bag of meals. The food was good and I could eat more than I had before. Just healthier food items and smaller portions. It took two months – $120/week x 8 — you do the math – but I dropped 16 lbs. So when I stepped up on the scale today fully clothed, even wearing shoes, I wanted to close my eyes. I started eating at Thanksgiving, then Christmas, New Years, etc. as most of us did. That sugar rust felt so good, addictive really – and once it was surging through my body, I couldn’t stop. I know the routine: get it out of the house, take one week to detox and cleanse the body of sugar, ya da ya da.

Easier said than done. First I made the brownies I’d not had time to bake for my nephew when he was here. Well, the mix had to be used, right? I ate the whole pan in a week. I bought Valentine candy in mid-January, although it was a month away. A friend gave me a belated Christmas gift of Frango mints! Who can resist those? And ice cream somehow wound up in my grocery cart each trip to the store. I’ve been out of control for weeks now – well past the allotted, and allowed, holiday binge season.

I opened my eyes at the last minute as the P.A. slid the bar further to the right- not as bad as I’d feared, not as good as I’d hoped. Four and a half lbs. but I deducted half a pound for clothing and shoes. The P.A. saw my face and reassured me she’d gained much more. It didn’t help a lot.

I know that one more pound or two, I’ll be buying an entire new wardrobe which I just did 22 months ago. My wallet can’t take it again. Memembership, food, new clothes. No, I yelled at myself tonight as I ate an entire pizza (it was small), then topped it off with a small bowl of ice cream, followed by a Kit Kat bar from the top shelf of the pantry. I bought them recently to take to movies to save money but I didn’t hide them well enough. Looking in the mirror following my shower may have done the trick; those muffin tops have grown back along my waist, things are hanging that shouldn’t be. I sucked in my stomach, lifted my neck to stretch out my body, and wrapped a towel around me in disgust.

Tomorrow, I swear— tomorrow I’ll do better! Vegetables and fruit and protein – not one ounce of sugar or fat. Hmm, this feels like deja vu – I could swear I’ve said that before. I wonder when……….